The Struggle of The Egos

Some poorly written musings on my time spent directing:

Before Christmas, I put on a play I’d written with my university’s drama society. I’ve been an active part of the society since I started at Uni and acted in four plays the previous academic year as well as in some shorts alongside them (including one I’d written and directed) however directing a full length play was a new experience for me. I’ve written other plays but not felt the need to direct them but this one, perhaps because it was based on my family’s experiences, I was desperate to direct. However, first and foremost I am an actor so, I was convinced that at some point during the rehearsal period, I would get bored of directing and want to be acting myself. Yet, this wasn’t the case. At least, not at first.

Having been directed by a variety of directors with a variety of directing styles, it was very refreshing to be able to put into practice the theories I had on what a director should and shouldn’t do. I decided to direct from an actor’s point of view, how I would want to be directed.  For instance: warm ups- in my opinion, important and should be more than a game or two; how behave around the cast- be firm but be their friend too, they should feel able to rely on you for support and encouragement and able to give their opinions but shouldn’t feel unsure of who is in charge. I was very lucky in that my cast not only were excellent actors but also lovely people, the society’s president even commented on what a nice cast dynamic we had having sat in on a rehearsal. This meant that the rehearsals were not only productive but fun. After the whole experience was over, I found myself rather missing them and still do time to time.

As it was something I’d written myself and done so with staging in mind, my, if I can use the ridiculously cheesy and overly used word, ‘vision’ was quite clear. I didn’t try many things out to see what worked but primarily went with my gut. On the rare occasion I had doubts, I had a wonderfully helpful producer who was also full of ideas to turn to as well as the cast themselves who were always ready with a suggestion (when asked). So I found that the creative side of directing was incredibly rewarding, fun and fairly, if I can be so bold as to use the word, easy. I knew what I wanted and how to make it happen…predominantly.

What I found hard was the more practical side. I was worried, before the process started, about how I’d cope. I’d heard that it was tough going from friends in the society who’d directed themselves. Sourcing props and set dressings was something I found very hard, mainly because I don’t have the patience but also because I was worried it couldn’t be done. We didn’t exactly have millions to spend and even if I’d found things for free, the society doesn’t have a massive amount of storage space to keep it once used.

I’m a worrier so when it came to other practical things, it wasn’t the doing them I found hard, but worrying about having to do them and if they wouldn’t work out (for instance, health and safety forms and regulations). Being pretty much solely responsible is not a comfortable weight to have on your shoulders. The night before our first night, our dress run had gone badly and we hadn’t even finished it. I came home and cried to my housemate as I was convinced I’d let the cast down. It can be tough. I was lucky that the society’s president, probably against his better judgement, let me come to him with any problem and tried to help as best he could. Still, there were times when I felt on my own (my producer became ill during the process and, understandably, needed a bit of r & r without the production hanging over her before the performance week and the week beforehand) and that was daunting in the extreme. I'm so grateful to my producer for helping me despite her ailing health during the performance week, I know I definitely couldn't have coped without her and could not have handled that responsibilty on my own.



One of the two posters



There were moments, however, when I felt it was all coming together how I wanted. I remember the evening we took the publicity shots. I stood back as my friend photographed the cast in the costumes and thought ‘wow, I did that’. They, for the most part, knew their lines. They looked great. They acted brilliantly. And here they were, all together, being photographed for the posters and programme and, as egocentric as it sounds, it was down to me. In that moment, I felt elated as I did at the end of the first night when they walked off stage having done me, the producer and themselves proud. They were great. And people liked the play (always good, a relief especially if you’ve written it yourself). All the tears (and believe me there were many on my part) were worth it.



A promotional shot of my wonderful cast



Were there any moments when I missed acting? To my surprise, not at first. It may have been something to do with me snapping up the chance to be in a small fundraiser one week halfway through our own rehearsal process that staved off my need for acting for longer than I had not been in it but it wasn’t until the week before that I really missed it. We were working on a scene that needed fixing. What I’d said before hadn’t worked out when we moved into the performance space so I was walking through how and where I wanted the character to move myself as I couldn’t figure it out otherwise. In that moment, I did miss acting. And the following week as they were on stage, once the first two performances were done and I’d stopped worrying about whether or not the tech was going to work out and whether or not they’d slip up on lines, I did rather want to be up there with them. As a friend in the society said to me, it’s a struggle between the ‘look what I’ve done and created from scratch’ ego and the ‘look at me, look at me’ ego.

It was a great experience and I would do it again but I think it must be a lot easier and more enjoyable for the directors with bigger theatre companies who don’t have to take care of the admin also and can just concentrate on being creative and I think it’s only like that that I would take on directing again without the rewarding of acting alongside it. First and foremost I am an actor and I think all that admin slog, for me, is only worth it if I can satisfy that part of me too. But if I could direct with a big theatre company in the future and not need to do the admin, I would take it in a heartbeat. As long as I’d acted with them first, so they knew where I was coming from.